Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
