It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
