he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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