Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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