One girl and one boy is just not enough.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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