I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dicks are not precious.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
