I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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