if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
