If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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