Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
