I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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