I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
