The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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