It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Four minutes until I can fart!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
