So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
