You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
