The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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