For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
