I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize