i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
