i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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