I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What did we do last night that was yellow?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
