Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize