the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If I die, sorry about rent.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize