when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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