Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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