My Higher Power is John Stamos
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize