Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize