I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
