My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
did i walk over a car last night?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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