Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
