Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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