the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
