Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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