Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
