We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
