I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
