If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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