I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize