Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
