My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
