I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
whose parrot is this?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
