Tell her she can't have a vagina
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I would fuck him just for his dog
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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