I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize