The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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