I love black thongs
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
