Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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