I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
