Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Sorry my hands just texted you
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
