he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize