We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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