She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
two words: eviction party
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
