The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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