So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
