Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
