I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
