Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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