Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
