I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
