bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
