do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
