I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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