The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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