Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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