Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize