I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
