I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
