When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
