god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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