i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize